SAND announces multi-dimensional reality alteration in-database analytics
April 1st, 2011 — SAND today announced the general availability of SAND multi-dimensional reality alteration in-database analytics. Legacy technologies have tried to alter reality for years but SAND has taken this concept to a new level. Using the works of Tom Weiler of Vanderbilt University SAND’s multi-dimensional reality alteration analytic engine allows full, fast access to data not only in the 4 dimensions of space and time but map-expanded to the 11 dimensions proffered by M-Theory.
SAND implemented multi-dimensional reality alteration in-database analytics in negative one week of development time. To achieve such rapid, time-bending turn around, SAND Labs in Montreal recently acquired a miniature quantum singularity dubbed Tiny Hadron Collider (THC) on which to iterate the core concept. SAND scientists then went back through the gravity well to complete R&D before it began.
“If the universe is just a holographic projection of M-space, then data must underly that projection, ” said Higgs Boson, SAND’s chief dimensional architect said, “If data underlies it, then we can take that data, decompose it into columns, tokenize it and bit-array encode it. Call it sci-fi, call it magic. We’re inverse-indexing the universe here, man!”
“SAND is literally answering questions last week that you won’t ask until next summer,” said President of the Prognosticative Analytics Institute for Data Omniscience, Fate and Foresight (PAIDOFF), Bob Forapples. “This is a temporal shift in the way we manage data. It’s like it went back in time and answered itself. If we had this technology before, we wouldn’t have needed it. Just think about that for a moment. Let it bend your mind. Don’t you see, it’s a paradox. It started in the past, Will! It started in–!” [Ed- At this point in the speech the President retired to a darkened room where he was last seen hugging his legs and humming quietly. Doctors Who and House have been called in to assist with his treatment.]
Delivering multi-dimensional insight into data, SAND powers applications such as market-basket predictive analytics where customers eat the food before they have bought it, and predictive fraud analytics where Tom Cruise comes to a criminal’s house to arrest him mere moments before he leaves to shop-lift from the local Quicky Mart.
SAND multi-dimenision reality alteration in-database analytics will be available for download yesterday. The future of analytics is happening last week!